The Social Anxiety Equation w/ Thomas Smithyman PhD

How to make friends in a new city, according to a psychologist #1

People often ask me how to make friends as an adult. It's legitimately challenging to meet new people and make friends in a new city after a move, post pandemic, or when you're shy or an introvert. In this 3 video series, I'll go through some important research to help you understand the situation and I'll describe what steps to take to build a social circle. This has really worked for me, and allowed me to tolerate the discomfort and make friends the 7 times I've moved cities (and countries) as an adult. 
In Part 1, we'll talk about: 
0:00 - Why social life is INCREDIBLY important0:41 - Why we might need to make friends as an adult1:20 - We can't make close friends after age 30?!2:32 - I move cities and make friends all the time2:50 - HOW friendships are formed... Mere Exposure Effect
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety. 
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help. 
QUESTION — Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Post in the comments section of this video.
MY BOOK...coming May 2022. Subscribe to my newsletter here to get an advance chapter from my book as soon it’s released. https://thomassmithyman.com/subscribe/

One social anxiety treatment principle from a psychologist: flawed and friendly

One of the most important breakthroughs in overcoming social anxiety is realizing that you can’t wait until you’ve gotten rid of your imperfections before you connect. When we focus on our flaws, we tend to become cold and shutoff - and we know from research that this is the biggest cause of social struggles. The solution is to accept your (probably exaggerated) perceived imperfections, and then put your energy into being warm, authentic, and curious. 
The question is not, how do I get rid of my flaws? The real question is: 
“Will I be flawed and cold, or will I be flawed and friendly?”
We'll talk about: 
0:00 - Accept that we have imperfections1:14 - The problem is the response to the flaw 2:17 - People like authenticity more than they dislike imperfections2:47 - Will you be flawed & cold or flawed & friendly?
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety. 
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help. 
QUESTION — Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Let me know. 
MY BOOK...coming May 2022. Subscribe to my newsletter here to get an advance chapter from my book as soon it’s released. https://thomassmithyman.com/subscribe/

One of my keys to overcoming social anxiety I Clinical psychology

"Social anxiety is common humanity"
It's easy to feel alone with your social anxiety, because people tend to keep their suffering to themselves. But social anxiety is one of the most common human experiences. You are FAR from being alone with it. Being able to recognize that many people have similar experiences is very calming. And we heal deeply when we can share our experiences with trusted others and they accept us, and ESPECIALLY when they reveal they have felt similar things. Ever feel like you're not good enough? You won't believe how many other people have felt that same way.  
We'll talk about: 
0:00 - The most powerful intervention for anxiety0:49 - Show your vulnerabilities1:04 - My experience self-disclosing my suffering1:31 - Why you should assume everyone has social anxiety2:45 - How different would it feel?3:12 - Social anxiety is common humanity
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety. 
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help. 
MY BOOK...coming May 2022.
ONLINE THERAPYI'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy. 

A clinical psychologist explains how to cope with social anxiety in conversations

“We can still do the basics of connection even when triggered”
You have to expect your social anxiety to get triggered sometimes. Hoping you'll get to a place where you never feel threat and the need to protect sounds great, but it can get in the way of progress. The answer is to anticipate that you will be triggered, and then have a clear plan of what to do. I encourage patients to accept the feeling, but not to give into the motivation to escape or shut off to protect - this increases anxiety over time, and actively prevents connection. It's completely possible to socialize well when feeling uncomfortable. To do so, externalize attention away from the self by practicing intense curiosity, and use fundamental social skills.  
We'll talk about:
0:00 - What do I do if social anxiety gets triggered?0:39 - Accept it, but don't hide or protect1:30 - You can be anxious and still do the fundamentals of connection1:50 - Don't try to control the impression you make2:03 - How to stop being self-conscious by focusing attention externally3:05 - The basics of communication while anxious
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety. 
This is part of a segment where I share recent insights I've had while treating my social anxiety clients: Clinical Insights. I continue to grow and develop in my model of social anxiety treatment, so I'd like to share that as it happens. I hope that this will be helpful.
 
MY BOOK...coming May 2022.
ONLINE THERAPYI'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy. 
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help. 

In social anxiety, is protection the real problem?

In social anxiety, the anxiety itself is not the problem. The protections we put up—our defenses, safety behaviors, avoidance, ways of hiding who we are, not saying what we think, etc—are the problem. The things we do to protect ourselves from feared outcomes make us more anxious over time AND they push others away and make us hard to connect with.
We'll talk about:
0:00 - Intro
0:35 - PROTECTION is the problem, not anxiety
0:55 - Common types of protection
1:12 - How to change
2:34 - Why we have these protections
3:36 - Don’t control, discover if there is a fit
4:52 - The secret to true connection
5:11 - The importance of lifelong growth
 
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety.
 
MY BOOK ...coming May 2022.
ONLINE THERAPY I'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy.
 
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help.
 
 
 
 

How can I stop my mind going blank because of social phobia? Reddit

“At best, talking is just thinking out loud.”
In this video, I discuss one of most common complaints from people with social anxiety: not having anything to say. I get into why this happens, and what we can do about it. We need to understand whether we are cutting ourselves off by filtering what we say, and we need to question whether we really need to say things that are impressive in some way. I’ll discuss some principles to help lower your anxiety about conversation, do simple exposure, and set conversational rules that allow you to keep talking even while anxious.
We'll talk about:
0:00 - Intro
0:18 - I have nothing GOOD ENOUGH to say
0:44 - the verbal filter in social anxiety
1:45 - exposure therapy to drop the filter
2:12 - MOST conversations are boring
2:38 - the lightbulb model of conversation
3:21 - the power of attention
4:07 - What to do if you are too anxious to think of what to say
5:21 - the fundamentals of conversation when anxious
 
 
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety.

The Baseball Metaphor of Social Anxiety and Self-Criticism

I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety.
The Child Baseball Metaphor technique I describe in this video helps to highlight how we are treating ourselves and how that can drive social anxiety. A parent who tells a kid they must perform perfectly or they will get punished and criticized afterwards - or even that this proves they will never succeed - will end up with a very anxious, unhappy kid who probably wants to avoid the activity. Sound familiar? Change how you parent yourself and you'll change your internal experience.
This is part of a segment where I share recent insights I've had while treating my social anxiety clients: Clinical Insights. I continue to grow and develop in my model of social anxiety treatment, so I'd like to share that as it happens. I hope that this will be helpful.
 
We'll talk about:
0:00 - Intro
0:31 - Deal with your emotions like a parent taking care of a child
1:02 - Does social anxiety make you a mean parent to yourself?
1:25 - Child Baseball Metaphor of social anxiety
3:28 - How would a child feel if you treated them the way you treat yourself?
4:30 - How do you treat yourself before and after your socialize?
5:25 - Two triggers for anxiety, shame, and avoidance
5:51 - How to lower anxiety and trigger natural warmth
7:12 - What to do if you get self-critical
 
QUESTION — Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Post in the comments section of this video.
MY BOOK ...coming May 2022.
ONLINE THERAPY I'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy.
 
PODCASTS
📱 Subscribe and Listen to the Anxious in Austin Podcast HERE::
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-anxious-in-austin-podcast/id1179010466
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4xUWe9AYORdwDisWw5c4Wh
 
Subscribe to my YouTube channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnbCIpMq4UH4T7V7RRKVuZQ
 
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help.
 
PLEASE READ If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
 
 
 

Would my social anxiety go away if I was attractive? Reddit question

This is really asking whether you can cure social anxiety by getting rid of your central flaw. It's very important to understand the role that our perceived imperfections play in driving social anxiety. Our goal is not to erase our flaw to feel better, it's to change the internal processes that allow our perceived flaw to cause suffering, anxiety, and loneliness.
I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety. "Would my Social Anxiety go away if I attractive?"
This is part of a segment where I briefly answer popular social anxiety questions from Reddit or other platforms: Rapid-Fire Reddit.
We'll talk about:
0:00 - What causes social anxiety?
0:20 - The social anxiety equation
1:18 - It’s about your perceived flaw
1:51 - Attractive people have social anxiety too
 
 
QUESTION — Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Post in the comments section of this video.
MY BOOK ...coming May 2022.
ONLINE THERAPY I'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy.
 
PODCASTS
📱 Subscribe and Listen to the Anxious in Austin Podcast HERE::
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-anxious-in-austin-podcast/id1179010466
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4xUWe9AYORdwDisWw5c4Wh
 
Subscribe to my YouTube channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnbCIpMq4UH4T7V7RRKVuZQ
 
My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help.
 
PLEASE READ If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

Groundhog Day and Social Anxiety Treatment

I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety. "Groundhog Day" is my favorite movie to show authentic psychological growth and I'll discuss what social anxiety treatment principles you can take away form watching it. In the movie, Bill Murray plays a flawed and shut down character who is stuck reliving the same day again and again. This compels him to deal with his issues and eventually grow as a person. He is forced to drop his protections - which were keeping him stuck and suffering - and learn to show his authentic self in order to genuinely connect. This mirrors the social anxiety treatment process. We'll talk about: - The problem with trying to make people like you - Defense mechanisms, protections, and pre-emptive rejection - Reciprocation of self-disclosure - Self-compassion, shame, and self-criticism - Our deepest need in social anxiety - 3 important methods of reducing social anxiety Why Being Weird Can Help Your Social Anxiety:  https://youtu.be/pi3svRv4JoEHow We Think About Our Flaws Creates Social Anxiety: https://youtu.be/SREqTcZ6JYoQUESTION — Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Post in the comments section of this video.MY BOOK...coming May 2022.ONLINE THERAPYI'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy. PODCASTS Subscribe and Listen to the Anxious in Austin Podcast HERE::Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-anxious-in-austin-podcast/id1179010466Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4xUWe9AYORdwDisWw5c4WhSubscribe to my channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnbCIpMq4UH4T7V7RRKVuZQ